.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
