Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
