I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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