how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
