im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't make out with my wife yet
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
