There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
