Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Please, let me fuck your mom
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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