I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*