I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
