i love accidental penises.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
