I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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