#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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