I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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