Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
as a side note pls kill me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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