thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
