you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
