3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is it because I queefed?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
