I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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