What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
