the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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