I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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