why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
