She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
