Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
