Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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