I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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