I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Houston, we have a blender
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
