Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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