piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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