Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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