Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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