I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dignity is for republicans.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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