When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
