Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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