Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
someone owes me an orgasm
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
