Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
