I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
