I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
