I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
