Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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