Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
