which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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