No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
