Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
