when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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