Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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