Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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