I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
