Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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