please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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