whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
