yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
