brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
either way he was missing a nipple.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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