I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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