i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
