I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
