I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
