You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
