don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
