So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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