When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
